This is a post that I have started for several years now and abandoned it time and time again. I'm scared of opening up too much about myself. I'm scared of the stigma attached to it. I'm scared people will think less of me after reading it.
In late 2015, I was diagnosed with depression. I had every reason on this earth to be happy. A wonderful husband, two healthy, vibrant children, friends that loved me and family that did the same. Yet, I could not shake this deep sadness and hopelessness in my soul. I had actually been on antidepressants for years. It seemed each time I would hit rock bottom, I'd go to the local doctor and they'd try something new on me. Perhaps a new drug out on the market or an old tried and true one. Yet, I never got better. I needed professional help and I sought it in 2015. I distinctly remembering my daddy telling me he just didn't understand why I was so sad. This is common among those who don't suffer from depression. They don't get the depths your soul has fallen into. I literally had times where I did not want to live. Life was overwhelming at best - I had suffered an attack on my family on social media, had lost an uncle suddenly to a heart attack which rocked our family to its core, watched my Nanny grieve that son and my daddy would later be diagnosed with cancer in the fall of 2015. It seems everything bad was happening all at the same time and I could not cope at all.
When I first sought counseling at age 39, the counselor told me I was at a crossroads so to speak. He said many women get ready to turn 40 and look back on their lives and do not feel a deep sense of accomplishment, their children are most likely getting older and perhaps getting ready to leave the nest. He said many women experienced what I was experiencing.
Enter Dr. _____, my psychiatrist who I credit with saving my life. He steered me back from the brink. He reminded me of God's truths and that I did not want suicide to be my legacy. While these words rang true, they were still a constant battle. I actually thought really bad thoughts and I'm not ashamed because this is an illness in itself, but I still cringe when I think of the things that went through my mind at times. Some days I just didn't want to live and no one could fix it.
I had several close friends along the way who to this day know I struggle. My close family knows I struggle. So many things saved me - my job, my friends, my family, and most of all my Savior. There are so many promises and treasures in the bible dealing with depression. Psalm 40 has been taped to my bathroom mirror for 6 years now along with 1 Peter 5:7. Hope has been one thing I've focused on for 2021.
Losing Brookie nearly threw me back into a deep depression. I found myself back in the Dr's office seeking help for anxiety and depression. I had deep fears of the unknown. I was not prepared to be a widow at 44. It seems so unfair that everything bad kept happening to me each time I would get just a little bit of progress made.
I write this post not for pity, but because I know there are others out there suffering alone. There is help and the first step is just simply reaching out and asking someone close to you to help you. Please do not ignore the signs. Thinking irrational thoughts of self harm are not healthy. They can ultimately lead to the worst scenario ever.
I hope this post has been a blessing and not something that has turned your thoughts toward me to something of pity. I am doing well. Several years ago, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I am happy to say, I get up each morning and look to the day to see what is ahead. Thank you for all of you who have supported me through this dark time of my life. It will never completely go away. I know this. But, I am striving everyday to fight it as hard as I can.
And, may I add the best way to come back from anything is simply relying on grace. God's grace to help you forgive people and help you remember how much He loves you and yes, even me and my messed up self. He really does take us "Just As I Am" Life is not over and I know there are so many blessings ahead for me and my family.
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