Well.......... where do I start? My best friend and I had BIG plans this past spring. We decided we were going to take a trip to Destin, Florida. Oh....... it was going to be grand fun, and then, well, there was this thing called the BP Oil Spill. Let me just going ahead and say..... yes, it's a tragedy, and I'm sorry that some people lost their lives, but anyway, that's another story. My story is about how the oil spill ruined my vacation. As soon as the oil spill happened many of us around here sat in front of our televisions every night and watched the talking heads babble on and on about how the oil was STILL LEAKING FROM THE BLOWN OUT WELL! But, we thought to ourselves..... oh no worries, we are the United States of America.......... the country who managed to put a man on the moon........... surely we can figure out a way to cap an oil well. Well, day after day, after saddening, frustrating day.......... nothing happened! And, my friend and I were slowly coming to the conclusion that we were not going to Destin. So, we canceled, and began our search for something else to do with such a short time to plan. We talked to some other friends of ours, and some of them suggested a canoe trip. One said, "oh, we HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!" For some reason we believed them! So, off to Seminary, MS we went on a beautiful weekend in July.
This is where the torture begins...........
The first night we were there, we decided to go to the Collins Water Park, which is a small family owned water park located in the middle of a small town in Mississippi. Also, the park offers what I am now going to call "Night where everyone and anyone who lives in the state" comes out of the woodwork and can get in the park for 10 dollars. Hmmmm.......... this should have been a sign! But, anyway......... we had a great time, but my favorite part was "people watching". Obviously, I am too modest because I would not be caught DEAD in a bikini in front of anyone, but there were tons of people at the water park that weighed.... oh, let's say 350 lbs in string bikinis. I actually admire these people because this takes an enormous amount of bravery on their part! One funny thing is that my friend's oldest son thought one of these 350 lb people was his daddy. He walked up to the dashing man and pulled on his shorts, and said, "Daddy!" (May I add.... his daddy does not weigh 350 lbs!) I know this made his real daddy feel oh so good about his physique.
On to the canoeing........
Well, basically if you want to canoe, you just drive up to the canoe rental place, tell them whether you want a canoe (for 2 people) or a kayak (for one, or two people). We rented 2 canoes (yes, they have tricked you into paying for this torture!) , and 1 kayak (for my son because he was the extra person). They do not give you any instructions on how to operate, steer, or maneuver the canoe. They basically drop you off at what I am basically calling "HELL" and send you on your merry way. Here are some things that my daughter and I learned from our canoe trip:
Number 1........ it is far better to be in a kayak.
2. The people that know what they are doing will go off and leave you to fend for yourself. In fact, they find this quite humorous!
3. You can have head-on collisions in your canoe which makes the person (me) sitting in the back of the canoe fly foward and bruise their shin on the metal bar that is there for no other reason but to BRUISE YOUR SHIN!
4. Number 3 will cause you to scream curse words in front of your 12 year old daughter that you really didn't know were in your vocabulary until now.
5. Someone (possibly God) has littered the creek with stumps, trees, and boulders of various sizes that are basically there to trap you in your canoe for at least 30 minutes. You spend these 30 minutes rocking back and forth trying to get the canoe off the stump, tree, or rock while you again scream CURSE words and watch your daughter cry in agony.
6. While doing 1 - 5, your son in the kayak is moving peacefully along like he has been training for this trip for a month. He looks like an olympic kayak competitor. You begin to really hate him and his kayak.
7. There are many "water falls" along the way. Now, before you picture a beautiful, picturesque scene where a waterfall is flowing............ forget it! These are actually what I like to think of as "sink holes".
8. Going down the so-called waterfalls the RIGHT way is not going to happen for you. No, you and your partner will go down these waterfalls backwards and sideways. At one point, you sink your entire canoe and a group of military men who probably feel sorry for you because you are hopelessly ignorant, pull your canoe out of the water, and proclaim, "Well, at least, now you have a clean canoe!" Oh yes, that is what we were aiming for, A CLEAN CANOE!
9. May I add that when the trip started, my daughter and I were in a basic zig-zag pattern. We spent many grueling minutes, going from one side of the creek to the other doing see #3. Most of the time, if you do not hit the bank head-on, you cruise into a bunch of tree branches which are filled with many spiders that put daddy long legs to shame. So from this point forward, you not only spend your time trying to steer the canoe, but every chance you get you are trying to kill the spiders that have landed in your canoe.
10. Beware of the weight issue........... There is much to be said for the skill it takes to get out of a canoe. If your partner weighs 100 lbs less than you, when she gets out of the canoe, you being the fat pig you are will turn over the canoe and sometimes hit your ankle bone so hard that it will cause you to see stars and tweety birds flying around your head. You now know how all those cartoon characters felt...........
11. Well on the way to the creek, the canoe rental guy who closely resembles someone out of a redneck horror movie tells you that it usually takes an hour and a half to make the trip down the creek. You will find out later that it is more like 5 - 6 hours. You make a mental note to slap him upside his mullet head if you see him again.
Well, that's basically all I feel like reliving right now...........
I made it home utterly exhausted, and looking like I had been beat up. I had some really nice bruises that took weeks to heal. While on the creek, my daughter and I thought our trip would never end. She cried and I cursed. But, now all we can do is laugh about it. In fact, we wish we had a video of it. But, if I EVER go again, I will be in a kayak.............
This is where the torture begins...........
The first night we were there, we decided to go to the Collins Water Park, which is a small family owned water park located in the middle of a small town in Mississippi. Also, the park offers what I am now going to call "Night where everyone and anyone who lives in the state" comes out of the woodwork and can get in the park for 10 dollars. Hmmmm.......... this should have been a sign! But, anyway......... we had a great time, but my favorite part was "people watching". Obviously, I am too modest because I would not be caught DEAD in a bikini in front of anyone, but there were tons of people at the water park that weighed.... oh, let's say 350 lbs in string bikinis. I actually admire these people because this takes an enormous amount of bravery on their part! One funny thing is that my friend's oldest son thought one of these 350 lb people was his daddy. He walked up to the dashing man and pulled on his shorts, and said, "Daddy!" (May I add.... his daddy does not weigh 350 lbs!) I know this made his real daddy feel oh so good about his physique.
On to the canoeing........
Well, basically if you want to canoe, you just drive up to the canoe rental place, tell them whether you want a canoe (for 2 people) or a kayak (for one, or two people). We rented 2 canoes (yes, they have tricked you into paying for this torture!) , and 1 kayak (for my son because he was the extra person). They do not give you any instructions on how to operate, steer, or maneuver the canoe. They basically drop you off at what I am basically calling "HELL" and send you on your merry way. Here are some things that my daughter and I learned from our canoe trip:
Number 1........ it is far better to be in a kayak.
2. The people that know what they are doing will go off and leave you to fend for yourself. In fact, they find this quite humorous!
3. You can have head-on collisions in your canoe which makes the person (me) sitting in the back of the canoe fly foward and bruise their shin on the metal bar that is there for no other reason but to BRUISE YOUR SHIN!
4. Number 3 will cause you to scream curse words in front of your 12 year old daughter that you really didn't know were in your vocabulary until now.
5. Someone (possibly God) has littered the creek with stumps, trees, and boulders of various sizes that are basically there to trap you in your canoe for at least 30 minutes. You spend these 30 minutes rocking back and forth trying to get the canoe off the stump, tree, or rock while you again scream CURSE words and watch your daughter cry in agony.
6. While doing 1 - 5, your son in the kayak is moving peacefully along like he has been training for this trip for a month. He looks like an olympic kayak competitor. You begin to really hate him and his kayak.
7. There are many "water falls" along the way. Now, before you picture a beautiful, picturesque scene where a waterfall is flowing............ forget it! These are actually what I like to think of as "sink holes".
8. Going down the so-called waterfalls the RIGHT way is not going to happen for you. No, you and your partner will go down these waterfalls backwards and sideways. At one point, you sink your entire canoe and a group of military men who probably feel sorry for you because you are hopelessly ignorant, pull your canoe out of the water, and proclaim, "Well, at least, now you have a clean canoe!" Oh yes, that is what we were aiming for, A CLEAN CANOE!
9. May I add that when the trip started, my daughter and I were in a basic zig-zag pattern. We spent many grueling minutes, going from one side of the creek to the other doing see #3. Most of the time, if you do not hit the bank head-on, you cruise into a bunch of tree branches which are filled with many spiders that put daddy long legs to shame. So from this point forward, you not only spend your time trying to steer the canoe, but every chance you get you are trying to kill the spiders that have landed in your canoe.
10. Beware of the weight issue........... There is much to be said for the skill it takes to get out of a canoe. If your partner weighs 100 lbs less than you, when she gets out of the canoe, you being the fat pig you are will turn over the canoe and sometimes hit your ankle bone so hard that it will cause you to see stars and tweety birds flying around your head. You now know how all those cartoon characters felt...........
11. Well on the way to the creek, the canoe rental guy who closely resembles someone out of a redneck horror movie tells you that it usually takes an hour and a half to make the trip down the creek. You will find out later that it is more like 5 - 6 hours. You make a mental note to slap him upside his mullet head if you see him again.
Well, that's basically all I feel like reliving right now...........
I made it home utterly exhausted, and looking like I had been beat up. I had some really nice bruises that took weeks to heal. While on the creek, my daughter and I thought our trip would never end. She cried and I cursed. But, now all we can do is laugh about it. In fact, we wish we had a video of it. But, if I EVER go again, I will be in a kayak.............
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