Secondary Losses - originally journaled September 2020

When you lose your spouse, you not only lose that person, but you lose so much more. You lose so many roles that this person represents in your life. One day I just sat down and made a list of things Brookie was to me - - source of laughter - breakfast cooker, especially pancakes - mechanic - the person who always brought me take out - the person who text me sweet things like "Hey Baby" and "Hey Dollface" and we laughed the first time he said this out loud because I said, Did you just call me "Dog face?" - the person who I cooked for. Now, I find that I don't cook any of the meals he liked anymore. - the person who drove me crazy wearing those suspenders, but I actually miss the sound they made every night when he'd hang them on the end of the bed - him singing songs like "Jolene" or "Loving You" to get us all up out of bed while I usually was saying, PLEASE, shut up!! - him calling me Jertney, a name my niece Bethany gave me when she was learning to talk. - him doing anything for me, and saying, "And, that was very sweet of me." after he did it. - him feeding my birds especially in the wintertime and putting lights out for them to keep them warm when it would get really cold - him covering the pipes when cold weather was coming. This was a huge, all day ordeal. - the smell of his clothes when he'd been working all day which was a testimony to what a hard worker he was - his phone calls to see if I needed anything from the grocery store or Dollar General? - the fact I could take anything to him and he'd come up with solution whether I liked it or not - fixing his meds for him. After he died, I threw his medicine bag in a drawer and haven't looked at it since. - Lowe's trips - Trips to the job site - Sam's trips - his wisdom about money and finances - going anywhere with him b/c that's who I went places with - rolling over and hugging him, rubbing his leg with my foot. There is now an empty space in his place in the bed. The last thing I did before leaving the hospital room when he died was hug him one last time. - hearing him laugh telling stories about growing up with his friends and family - hearing him laugh watching TV shows or movies - seeing Brookie show up on the caller ID on the phone - him knowing how to build or make just about anything or at least, get his crew to build it - sitting in his lap and him acting like I was killing him - something simple as putting tag stickers on tags - And, I never thought I'd say I miss the smell of a cigarette. - His black curls - him winking at me when I'd drive up on the job - the person I thought I was going to grow old with and have grandkids with. - the phone calls from the people who regularly called him. Now, the phone is just silent. - Western snap shirts - visits from his family. There are so many more. My mind cannot wrap itself around how big of a void he has left. I'm sure his friends and family feel the same way I do. It's just not the same without him here.