Dear Brookie,
I miss you so much. When I look back over the past several weeks, I have realized how many things I should've questioned those doctors about and how much harder I should've pushed those nurses. I feel like such a failure to you in that respect. I am so sorry that I failed you. Being a nurse, I should have known so many things to ask and push for and I didn't. I just wish for one moment you could be back here with me and the kids. I never expected back in February that all your foot problems would end up where we are today. I hope you are at least happy where you are - enjoying each moment you are experiencing with those you love and missed so much. But, as for me, it really stinks here without you. I don't know what to do with myself. This house that we built together is so lonely - especially when the kids are not here. There's something missing and it is you. It's as if you went to work and never came back home. I sit here and wait for you to come home, but you don't come home. I essentially dropped you off to die at that hospital, but I didn't know that's what I was doing. Had I known, I would've hugged you longer and kissed you one last time. I would've told you how much you were loved and appreciated. This has been the most unfair thing I've ever had to deal with. 56 was too young for God to take you from me. I know I am being selfish and I'm sorry. But, I wish you were here. I can hear you saying, "Jennifer, stop feeling sorry for yourself." That was always your go to line when I was crying about daddy. Well, I can't help it this time. I can't quit being sad about you being gone. I want you here. I want to rewind the past few months and soak in each moment so bad. But, I can't. Life truly is so cruel sometimes. I keep saying, "I can make it. I can do this." But, I can't. Not right now. Not in this moment. I can't right now. I'll love and miss you forever. Again, please forgive me for not trying harder.
Love,
Jennifer
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